Looking Back to Move Forward

So it's crazy how cold it's gotten tonight- we went from like 80 this afternoon to now, who knows, like 30 or something?  And the wind.  Wow.  As I was hearing the wind howling through my roof and realizing how much the temperature has dropped, it got me to thinking.  Don't you just wish sometimes things could blow in and out so quickly like that wind?  Like sickness or stress. Or things we don't want to deal with like family members or friends who we wish would just get a clue.  Like we could just blink and it's gone.  

I realized that I have actually done that in my life at times.  Not that those things disappeared, but I just closed my eyes and pretended they weren't there anymore, thinking that I was moving on.  I'll be the first to admit that in my quest for peace, I am sometimes guilty of choosing to overlook the things in my life that are not neat and tidy, things that require me to feel emotions that are not pleasant and good.  And that's where I am tonight.  I intended on nothing other than putting on my headphones and playing the sweet new Harry Connick Jr. Christmas album I purchased with an iTunes gift card I won at my stafff party.  1) My kids were driving me up the wall and I felt like I deserved a nice snuggle with myself on the couch after they went to bed with my music and a nice hot cup of mint tea. (I still believe I deserve this and am doing that minus the Christmas music)   2) I have been trying so hard to be intentional this year about staying in the Christmas spirit because I love this time of the year so much.  And I've been somewhat successful with this.  So I wanted to be all Christmas-y tonight.  But I can't.

Earlier I got a call from my mom and she was telling me about the brother some of you know about who is falling on hard times right now.  She was tearfully relaying the latest drama in his life and is sick with concern for him.  Like a his-life-is-hanging-in-the-balance kind of concern his past has proven to be a valid concern.   It is so hard for me sometimes to keep my compassion levels high for him, because he just frustrates the heck out me.  He cycles through these same patterns having the knowledge deep down that he could be better.   He just went off the deep end when my mom and step dad got a divorce, and he's been attempting to claw his way back ever since.  Five years in the making.  And as sad as it is to admit, even when his life was in question I was fighting these feelings of frustration and borderline anger.  Do you have those people in your life who you have been there/ done that with times twenty?  Then track with me for a minute and see where I'm going with this.   And I've been in contact with him more in this recent season than any other time and we've had some good conversations.  But then things happen and I feel like anything I'm saying and doing on his behalf is completely in vain (I know deep down it's not but it's still so frustrating).  And so the story goes.  And you know what I'm talking about.  

But tonight was different.  It started with a song I was listening to that Chris and I are singing at his brother's wedding in January called "Faithful One".  The song was so beautiful and I was very moved thinking about how faithful God has been to me and how amazing He is.  How He's brought me through so much and taken me so far from where I was.   I was transported back in time to this 18 year old teenager looking at Lubbock in her rear view mirror through tears as she drove off to college.  I distinctly remember how that girl felt- leaving so much behind, and wanting to leave it and move on.  Feeling like I was starting my life over.  I ran really hard and did not look back.  I didn't need to.  There were things that would have tried to draw me back in if I had been looking back for even one second.  I became a completely different person.  Thanks much in part to my now husband and his family who helped nurture and grow me in a new found identity and spirit filled life.  And the rest is history.  

The song starts out with the lyrics "I find no hope within to call my own.  For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone.  But deep within my soul is rising up a song.  Here in the comfort of the faithful one."  Who knows where I would be if it weren't for the people God placed in my path to help lead me to freedom in Him.  And people like my precious dad and stepmom praying for me all the while from a far without me even knowing, that I would choose the path God placed before me.  Maybe I would be like my brother, seemingly without hope and feeling like he's in a dark pit he cannot crawl out of.   We came out of the same home.  I don't deserve the life I have and the favor and blessing God has poured out on me.  None of us do.  What did we do? I just chose God.  In His goodness He drew me in and made the path before me clear.  And I decided to walk down it and not look back.  Until now.  

Thus my title, "Looking back to move forward".  I wouldn't be writing all of this tonight if I didn't feel like this would speak to someone else.  I wouldn't do this blog at all if I didn't feel that way.   I feel like I am at a place in my life where I'm stronger in my faith than I've ever been, healthier spiritually than I've ever been, and just coming into a good season of life.  And as I've been thinking about the new year, I've been determining in my heart to move forward in Him and go onto what He has for us.  We have been blessed, but there are also things we are choosing to believe we're laying down and leaving behind us.  I have been so filled with hope and joy in thoughts of the new year.  But in the midst of all of this forward thinking and hope and expectancy of what's to come, something strange has been going on in our house.  Chris and I both have had some things randomly out of the past come up, things we haven't thought about or even remembered in some cases. And in my case, things I'm walking through with my family that are not fun.   As I was trying to make sense of it all, some things started becoming clear.  A couple of things actually.  Could it be that in order to move on to the things God has for us there are some things He knows will hold us back if we don't deal with them?  Like I was saying in the beginning, sometimes in the name of moving forward and trying to make peace, we just kind of put some things away we would rather not think about and think we won't have to mess with them anymore.  But could it be that some of those things become a deep root we don't even recognize or know about until we start feeling things or having trouble overcoming things and don't know why.  And I know most of you that would read this have experienced great freedom and deliverance in your life, and that God has redeemed a lot of you and you know it.  So what I'm talking about is a higher, deeper level.  Subtle things deep inside that can be exposed and now healed as new layers are pulled back.  We're going places we've never gone before, people.  So that means God is taking us deeper than He's ever taken us.  Dealing with things we couldn't handle before.  But now we can.  And we will.

That was the first place I was going with the looking back to move forward.  (I know you're thinking- the first?  This is really long... sorry) That's something God has been speaking to me for a while and I knew I wanted to write about it.  But the twofold part came tonight.  Who are we taking with us as we move forward?  Before I couldn't and didn't look back.  Now I am miles and miles ahead (only because of the Lord), and I stopped for just a moment to look behind me tonight and my heart broke in a million pieces at the people who were behind me, trying to get where I am but not knowing how.  Missing that one little connector to jump start them down the path. I believe that God wants to use me to help redeem things from that part of my life.  And people from that part of my life.  Because I might be the one God is using to put in their path just like someone did for me when I was wondering around.  The hard part about that is that it's inconvenient.  I can't just put on my Christmas music and get lost in my own little bliss.  Or just enjoy this Christmas with me and mine knowing that people I care about are alone, hurting, and needing someone to extend some grace, love, and compassion their way.  God has been so good to me, but let's face it- I'm being selfish if I just enjoy that all of the time without reaching out and risk being a little uncomfortable and inconvenienced.  I think that for so much of my life there was turmoil that now I go out of my way sometimes to keep the peace and joy we are blessed to know as a family.  To be comfortable.  To guard it. (and I should to some extent)  And I believe God lets you do that for a season, especially when you are being healed and restored.  To just enjoy.  And don't get me wrong.  I still will enjoy every moment of my life.  Joy and peace have nothing to do with the emotions I'm working through and circumstances around me.  That is deep in my spirit and is giving me strength daily.  But I just know inside God is calling me to a higher kind of love.  One that reaches out a little more than I have been lately.  A love that reaches higher than the frustration or inconvenience I might feel if I allow myself to dive into this situation.  Because I might be the one God plans to use for a beautiful story of redemption and love.  You might be the one.  And sometimes there is no plan B.  There are no praying parents, grannies, or anybody else.  Because apart from Him, unfortunately , we are destined to default to our earthly genetics and whatever was passed down and modeled for us.  And for some of us that is not a pretty picture.  And some people don't have the hope it could be any other way.  But isn't that the heart of the Christmas story?  Hope came to the world.  So that you and I don't ever have to be the same.  And we can be strong and secure enough to now reach out and give that same message of hope to others.  

Well, sorry that was so long.  I was kind of all over the place and probably didn't even do justice to what is exploding in my heart tonight.  As you can tell there is a lot swimming around in my head.  God is striking a deep chord in me that is poignantly beautiful.  But thank you for letting me get it out and work through it.   I take back my apology, actually.  I know how God works.  When I am going through something there's always someone else out there relating to me or needing the same challenge.  So He uses even my verboseness and long trail of words.   Even if you don't leave any comment love for me, my prayer tonight is that the spirit of what God is doing will reach out to you through the computer and speak to you at some level.  He knows what He is doing, even when I don't.  (know what I'm saying or doing)  As I leave you, take this link below to the song I was talking about.  For some reason, I can't link a music file, but I can link a video.  So I found the song on YouTube that someone randomly put some pictures to.  Pretty song.  He is faithful. Blessings on you tonight, dear, dear friends.  Much love to ya.

Faithful One